I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
