Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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