Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
