Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
