I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
