he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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