I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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