Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
