im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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