Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
