She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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