Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
