i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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