I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
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I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
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hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
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