Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
