Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
