i need an iv and a liver transplant
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
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