Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
