I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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