don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
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just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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