I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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