Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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