I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
