I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
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Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
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Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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