My entire life is one complicated drinking game
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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