honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
