Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
