it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Randomize
