She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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