My liver just broke up with me...
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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