false alarm. still invincible.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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