why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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