Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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