things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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