Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
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If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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