Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
