Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
