Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
