I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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