I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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