he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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