I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
