paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Come share oat with me in your robe
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
