dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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