what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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