Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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