when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Randomize
