Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
