we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
