Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
