Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
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I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
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The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
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