God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Randomize
