hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Randomize
