Please, let me fuck your mom
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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