Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
