I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Boobs are out for the taking
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
